This I no longer believe”

I have been debating on what exactly to write because there’s just so many things to write about regarding this topic. At first I was I say just is best here like “just going to write about school” going to write about school, But then I changed my mind to something more fun like my passion for building PCs and gaming, But that also didn’t feel right writing so I have finally decided to write about something that’s a little more personal that I personally believe fits this prompt best, and what I didn’t believe I could do before but can now believe I can do is really accepting things, learning from them, and moving on rather then letting it build up inside and just exploding one day from keeping it in. I feel like this is the best thing to write about because not only will this fill up the pages easier for me but I also get to reflect on myself as an individual and see how far i’ve gone in my journey by writing about it and reading about it. So let’s get started shall we. 

Growing up I didn’t exactly have the best childhood, in fact I don’t really remember much good times about it, everything that’s happened to me still really lingers around my head from time to time mentally it can be draining. For a long time I was angry and I didn’t really know why. It affected me in a very negative way because I’ve lost a lot of people I cared about because I didn’t know how to deal with my own problems for a very long time. I blamed other people for my pain instead of really sitting down and looking at myself and working on the things that I didn’t really like about myself. I found myself diggin this whole (hole or whole?) of my own self pity and that wasn’t valid. I spent so much time dwelling on my past that I didn’t allow myself to grow as a person. I learned during covid that I no longer wanted to be the person everyone hated because he didn’t have his shit together so I started my mental health journey through quarantine. 

My mental health journey has been the hardest journey I’ve ever faced. It was all going so well for a very long time, until I met a girl who made me feel like all my problems at first. For the first time in a long time I had felt happy in a way that I had never felt before. Everything was going well for me last year, I was in the gym, I looked great, and I was getting help. Then I met her. We were both in really dark places and we helped each other grow. We then of course as people are there for one another they fall in love. We had spent a lot of time together and we were happy. I don’t really know when it all went wrong. I just wish I still had my best friend. The relationship wasn’t the most healthy but we were there for each other. She made me a better man overall. But with all things they almost always end up coming to a end. The year of 2022 was supposed to be my year to to thrive- so far it has been the complete opposite. I didn’t think I was able to thrive before but then I did, but then I didn’t because worst years of life you should explain more on why “but then I did, but then I didn’t”. 

I had a shitty relationship with my parents, I was always so angry, and I took out on the people I loved.  That impacted my life negatively. I lost my best friend and I’m currently losing my mother to cancer. ts hitting me that I need to really change so that I can be the man that I meant to be,  I could be there for my family through these difficult times.

 I just recently started back my mental health journey, but this time I’m eager to move on with my life and grow, because for a long time I didn’t really believe in my ability to change and grow> I started going to the gym again but it’s very hard maintaining a good mindset while everything is falling apart . Sometimes, I feel like everything is going to be a setback in a way that  what do you mean by setback the way?it would all end up being worse than it was previously. I think that in order to really move on and grow I need to face my feelings head on, learn to accept change, see my flaws, and strengthen myself as an individual not just for my family but for myself I have a long journey to become the man I want to be because there’s just so much more to unpack about my life that I don’t really like talking about. I’m grateful for the people that I’ve met in my life regardless of our status in each other’s lives because they all taught me a very valuable lesson, which is that the only person that’s going to love me more than me is me. No one is going to save me, because that’s a journey I need to make myself so I can be better mentally. I didn’t believe that I was worth saving mentally because for a long time I had been in such a dark place that it felt pointless to even want to attempt moving out of it. Express your comfortability of being in a dark place. 

I started my process of self love was by, starting to self reflect on my actions and moods. I would write down how I was feeling for the day and I would also read over them to see what I did for that day and how I handled certain situations so that I could learn from it and benefit. I tried to get close friends to give me constructive criticism so that I would know exactly what I was doing wrong so that I could either fix it immediately or grow overtime. I found that of course as said before I have anger issues, but another thing I’m guilty of was being an asshole to people because I didn’t feel like I deserve anything good in my life so I tried to wreck it all before it all came crashing down like everything else in my life. This wasn’t healthy to do because it made me into a really shitty person with a shitty mindset. On top of all that I discovered that I also hate being alone as much as I hated myself at the time. It was really hard for me to be alone in any type of circumstance. It was nearly impossible for me to live at the time if I didn’t constantly feel loved by others. I would change who I was to please other people and not really focus on what really made me happy as an individual.

 Discovering these toxic traits about myself I was able to see what needed to be done so that I could be a better person. All these things that I learned all have a deeper meaning which connects back to my childhood with the attention seeking, which stems from the lack of affection that I received as a child because of the toxic household I grew up in. 

The point of even bringing up any of these strong points is to really see deeper into my own mind. Writing this essay about me has been hard because I’m trying to be as little specific as I possibly can because I can’t even imagine writing about everything right now. This kind of feels like my journal which is why my Ideas are kinda all over the place because I am just writing as I think literally and tbh this feels kinda relieving talking about my process regardless of the mental state that I am. because I didn’t believe that I was worth fighting for or changing for myself but with a little bit of time and patience I’m able to really strive towards being a better person overall. Someone who’s strong and kind, not mean and sad all the time. I’m able to truly work on myself and please myself rather than others because at the end of the day I only really have myself, SO FUCK IT> Live ya life because you only live once so love yourself, or atleast try because I sure am.